The Gift of Perspective

Relationships are hard. Marriage is harder. When frustrated, I naturally tend to want to blame the "other" first, or at least I desire not to be blamed myself. Hard lessons have taught me that I can't rightly point fingers in any relationship without examining myself first. Almost always I find myself pulling the log out of my own eye when I point at the sliver present in someone else's. 

Mission work in Africa takes whatever cracks that exist in a marriage and turns them into gaping canyons. Little things we tend to overlook in the other person, turn into gigantic faults that can scarcely be ignored. Our faults and our feelings are the same as they were back home, but now deeply amplified. The new environment and the nature of mission work seem to turn up the temperature of emotion and to expose our most hidden weaknesses. The demons of our lesser nature are revealed and must be dealt with by both parties. It can be exhausting.

Our life back home was not so stressful. Our needs were met and our primary concerns (thankfully) largely revolved around self-fulfillment. What makes us happy? How can we make sure our kids realize their full potential? What can we do to improve our finances, our health, our spiritual practices, etc.? This is definitely top level real-estate on Maslow's pyramid. Mission jumbles the pyramid. It challenges our security, our health, and our notions about what is important in life. And while this type of work and this place have given us a new perspective, sometimes we need to step out even farther for a wider field of view.

Recently, one of my best friends from college invited me on the trip of a lifetime. Fly to Katmandu, Nepal and then go by helicopter to the famous village of Lukla to trek to the basecamp of Mt. Everest. Knowing that our family is doing mission work and living on a tight budget, two friends paid for me to go. I was then able to use the adventure as a fundraising platform for making improvements to Huruma School, one of the VERY few education options for children with disabilities in Mwanza. Realistically, this was me trying to turn a selfish thing (leaving the mission field and my family for 22 days) into a good cause. I was also trying to make the trip sound more appealing to my wife who works at Huruma School. It didn't work.

Leaving my wife and kids for almost three weeks in Mwanza while I went off on a grand adventure was no small thing. It was made even harder by the stress of mission which had been taking a toll on us as a couple. Now, I was announcing that I wanted to leave. Anna could've said no and maybe she should have. But she didn't and soon I was on my way. She was resentful at my decision to leave and I think I was more happy to leave than I should've been. By the time I came back, however, she had worked through most of those difficult feelings. I was very thankful.

Marriage can be hard and life in mission can make it harder. The trek to Everest helped me remember how fiercely grateful I am for my wife and for our family. Of course, I feel gratitude on a daily basis, but being away I was viscerally reminded at the soul level. I also remembered that nature is where I most connect with God in my life. It can be very difficult to find solitude where we live. The path to Everest was quiet and transcendent. Frequented by Buddhist monasteries, shrines, prayer wheels and flags, the pathway winded through nature of an almost unimaginable scale. I think I needed to return to nature more than I knew.

For Anna, she learned that she is stronger than she sometimes thinks. She can manage the house and do her mission work without me. At the end of it all, we were each reminded of how much we both love and appreciate each other. I'm sure I didn't need to leave for three weeks to figure all that out, but that is what happened.

Following the Everest trek, I’ve been looking forward to sharing photos. It was an amazing experience, but I couldn’t just share the pictures as memories from a fun vacation. That is done too often online and in social media. The truth is that while it was an amazing trip, it was also a sacrifice for Anna that occurred during a difficult time for both of us. That happens in marriage sometimes. One person sacrifices for the other. We have both done it over the years, although the balance definitely weighs heavier on her side. And while relationships are hard, and marriage is harder, and marriage in mission is even harder yet, I’ve never been more grateful for my wonderful wife and for our family. That is the gift of perspective.