11-months into Mission ...

I think it's been 6-months since I last updated our blog. While I've written a few newsletters for Maryknoll - things picked up after language school and I found myself neck-deep in mission. Which is why we're here, so no complaining. But I definitely had to continue to work through culture shock and adjusting to East Africa, while at the same time trying to find my place in a new ministry. Energy for writing a new blog just wasn't there. And in fact, I can still say that if there is one thing I notice more than anything about the difference between "before mission" and now is that I'm tired a lot. A LOT. I sleep 9-hours a night but still feel tired much of the time. I'm guessing a good part of it is me still adjusting to a new culture - as well as learning to take in a myriad of experiences and situations on a daily basis that are not a part of "normal" back in the US. Something as simple as taking our dogs on a walk in the morning can lead to a stranger showing me his severely infected leg and asking for money to go to the hospital. A simple meeting at Huruma School with a teacher might end in me finding out there is student having uncontrolled seizures at home and I find myself scheduling a home visit and spending the day at the doctor's office. Even a simple trip to the market requires me to use Swahili - a language I am slowly learning but have to really concentrate on when listening and speaking it. Very little here feels routine or "normal" when compared to what I would experience back home on a regular basis. Maybe after more time it would become my new "normal" and I wouldn't feel as tired at the end of each day. But for now, I am still learning to live in a very different reality than the one I came from 11-months ago. 

Time here at times has stood still and there were days that were simply long and hot and I just wanted to pack my suitcases and go home. Other days have been filled with beauty and awe and I feel like the luckiest person in the world to be doing what we are. Many days are somewhere in between. I miss home and I miss family - but I'm also finding a routine and rhythm in Tanzania that works for our family. We've adopted a few animals: one very sweet kitten (she waltzed onto our property one day and was scooped up by Josephine and Charlotte) and 2 dogs (Binti - whom I wrote about earlier in the year, and Soldier - a street dog we rescued a few months ago). Animals always give a strong sense of "family" for us and having them become a part of our life has helped all of us feel a little bit more "home". We enjoy their playfulness and unconditional loyalty/love.

Everywhere you look in Tanzania there are basic needs not being met - so it's easy to feel overwhelmed and hard to say no. One takeaway from that is that I'm having to recognize I can't (and shouldn't) say yes to everything - and I'm having to really think about what gift and talents God has given me, as well what it is that really brings me joy when I'm doing it. It seems like an easy question to ask oneself, but I find that the answers often get clouded with "shoulds" and "shouldn'ts" - as well as expectations of co-workers, employers, family, and friends. Pulling back and really trying to figure how I can best contribute to the needs of the world and what it is I love to do is a gift that Africa is giving me. I think it is one of those things that will stay with me for life and follow me where I go. 

Currently, I'm finding myself over and over in a position to give a voice to those whose voices are not being heard. Whether it is the children at Huruma School, impoverished parents of those students who are ignored and "invisible" in the eyes of the healthcare system, or a starving street dog in the middle of the road - I am finding telling their stories and giving them a voice is profoundly rewarding. Helping them to be seen by the world, allowing them a chance to tell their story (even if only through photographs or a blogpost) - it is powerful. With many of our children at Huruma School, you can see the pride these parents have when told that their child matters and that they deserve a chance to see the doctors and receive medication. They are used to being invisible. Kyle teases me that our rescue dog Soldier has an unhealthy attachment to me. I remind him that I was probably the first person Soldier ever knew that reached out to pet him and touch him with love. It's about being seen. And being heard. And I happen to be in a position where I can help facilitate that.  

And so here we are, 11-months in and counting. In just another month, we will have called East Africa our home for 1-year. The cliche is probably true that Tanzania has given me more than I've given to Tanzania. I didn't expect anything different. As we kept being told back in New York at the Maryknoll campus: mission changes you. It does. I like to think for the better. But I also hope that we've giving a little bit back - and that we will continue to. Not just while in Africa - but for a lifetime. Even if it's something as simple as giving a platform for voices that are not heard - to be heard. 

The Gift of Perspective

Relationships are hard. Marriage is harder. When frustrated, I naturally tend to want to blame the "other" first, or at least I desire not to be blamed myself. Hard lessons have taught me that I can't rightly point fingers in any relationship without examining myself first. Almost always I find myself pulling the log out of my own eye when I point at the sliver present in someone else's. 

Mission work in Africa takes whatever cracks that exist in a marriage and turns them into gaping canyons. Little things we tend to overlook in the other person, turn into gigantic faults that can scarcely be ignored. Our faults and our feelings are the same as they were back home, but now deeply amplified. The new environment and the nature of mission work seem to turn up the temperature of emotion and to expose our most hidden weaknesses. The demons of our lesser nature are revealed and must be dealt with by both parties. It can be exhausting.

Our life back home was not so stressful. Our needs were met and our primary concerns (thankfully) largely revolved around self-fulfillment. What makes us happy? How can we make sure our kids realize their full potential? What can we do to improve our finances, our health, our spiritual practices, etc.? This is definitely top level real-estate on Maslow's pyramid. Mission jumbles the pyramid. It challenges our security, our health, and our notions about what is important in life. And while this type of work and this place have given us a new perspective, sometimes we need to step out even farther for a wider field of view.

Recently, one of my best friends from college invited me on the trip of a lifetime. Fly to Katmandu, Nepal and then go by helicopter to the famous village of Lukla to trek to the basecamp of Mt. Everest. Knowing that our family is doing mission work and living on a tight budget, two friends paid for me to go. I was then able to use the adventure as a fundraising platform for making improvements to Huruma School, one of the VERY few education options for children with disabilities in Mwanza. Realistically, this was me trying to turn a selfish thing (leaving the mission field and my family for 22 days) into a good cause. I was also trying to make the trip sound more appealing to my wife who works at Huruma School. It didn't work.

Leaving my wife and kids for almost three weeks in Mwanza while I went off on a grand adventure was no small thing. It was made even harder by the stress of mission which had been taking a toll on us as a couple. Now, I was announcing that I wanted to leave. Anna could've said no and maybe she should have. But she didn't and soon I was on my way. She was resentful at my decision to leave and I think I was more happy to leave than I should've been. By the time I came back, however, she had worked through most of those difficult feelings. I was very thankful.

Marriage can be hard and life in mission can make it harder. The trek to Everest helped me remember how fiercely grateful I am for my wife and for our family. Of course, I feel gratitude on a daily basis, but being away I was viscerally reminded at the soul level. I also remembered that nature is where I most connect with God in my life. It can be very difficult to find solitude where we live. The path to Everest was quiet and transcendent. Frequented by Buddhist monasteries, shrines, prayer wheels and flags, the pathway winded through nature of an almost unimaginable scale. I think I needed to return to nature more than I knew.

For Anna, she learned that she is stronger than she sometimes thinks. She can manage the house and do her mission work without me. At the end of it all, we were each reminded of how much we both love and appreciate each other. I'm sure I didn't need to leave for three weeks to figure all that out, but that is what happened.

Following the Everest trek, I’ve been looking forward to sharing photos. It was an amazing experience, but I couldn’t just share the pictures as memories from a fun vacation. That is done too often online and in social media. The truth is that while it was an amazing trip, it was also a sacrifice for Anna that occurred during a difficult time for both of us. That happens in marriage sometimes. One person sacrifices for the other. We have both done it over the years, although the balance definitely weighs heavier on her side. And while relationships are hard, and marriage is harder, and marriage in mission is even harder yet, I’ve never been more grateful for my wonderful wife and for our family. That is the gift of perspective.